Summer begins!

The school year ended officially last Friday for Zoe and it has been a swell few days. It is funny how not having to be at a place (school) by a certain time or the feeling that one must make progress in a child's education and development is so liberating. The days feel lazy and a bit haphazard. Kids are playing, there are paper and toys everywhere (we started on a project making a town and roads for Evan's cars). In between, I'm sorting through lots of paper - all the scrapes Zoe brings home, some with unrecognizable scribbles and some that are, frankly, impressive.

Still, I'm working to impose order and review how we did and how I would like us to do in the coming year. There is just so much of interest to Zoe, and I (for the matter). We haven't been very good with our math work the past year. Zoe and I tend towards reading and talking about animals and plants - things in the natural world. That is something I must work harder on. It is a funny dance. This homeschooling thing. We want the child to lead, but we (the parents) must lead too. I guess it is a dance of follow and lead.

The Kind of Mother I've become

Zoe asked me to play a game of chess with her this evening. We played it last night too, after she rediscovered her chess set in her closet. She did chess last year for a couple of months - an after school extra-curricula activity. I did not continue her with it as she was still needing naps then and 1:30 p.m. is smack right in the middle of Evan's nap time. Anyhow, she had renewed enthusiasm for it, but with very little recollection of the rules of the game and played it with as much strategic sense as an average five year does, which is to say not much. Last night, I helped her along and let her win. Tonight, I was trying to teach Zoe points like thinking ahead, looking to see if there's any potential danger with any new potential position, and making offensive moves rather than just defensive moves. I think, when she was unreceptive to my teaching, I become somewhat impatient. Zoe in turn became flustered. Clearly, my lecturing was marring her enjoyment of the game. We had to stop the game because Evan came along and demanded for me to read him his last bedtime book. As I walked away, I realized how badly I was behaving and felt terribly ashamed. I still feel ashamed. This is how I turn a positive thing - mother-daughter time - into a negative thing (trying to improve Zoe when it is not necessary). It is just a game.

So I sit here feeling ashamed and can't wait till Zoe wakes up in the morning so that I can try to be a better mother. When one makes mistakes so often, it is no longer mistakes but a character trait. I think I am after all a very impatient mom. I don't remember raising my voice against Zoe much. I think the first time I truly raised my voice was when she was three years some and we were fighting over potty training. Somehow, over time, I've become less calm and less gentle. I need to regain calm and gentleness. Zoe and Evan are so precious to me. I don't want them to become impatient people just because their mother is.

Beach

Zoe made this at the beach today.

Keeping them on the straight and narrow path

This morning, while we were having breakfast, Dennis spied our neighbors' son pacing our end of the cul-de-sac. He was smoking and we assumed he was out there (and not in front of his home) because his parents don't know he has picked up this terrible habit. We know this kid. He is about fifteen and we hired him to help us with our chickens last year. It saddened us to see him smoke. So young and already addicted. Does this mean the beginning of wrong choices that will lead him down the wrong path? If not the wrong path, it means at the very least an almost certain fate of lung cancer in the future. As a parent, I ached for this avoidable future pain he would have to endure.

Dennis and I think about how we would keep our children from drugs and addictive behavior like smoking and incessant computer game playing. We read that, as parents, if we can keep our children from such behavior till at least 21, they are almost guaranteed to be home free. So the question is, beyond the oft mentioned recommendation of eating dinner together, how? We hope to raise them lovingly, so that they are imbued with confidence and humility as well as love for others and for their own selves. We hope to provide a good home environment so that they would never go there. Yet, so many children fall prey and I don't believe all of them ended up doing/trying drugs because of some deficient home environment. In short, we need answers to why some kids try and do drugs. Why do they smoke when already there are so many warnings about the health effects? Why do drugs when they have been told about how ruinous it is, except perhaps it is exactly what they seek: ruin. But why?

I don't have the answer, but I will strive to keep our own children close and safe from such temptations.

Xtracycle Edgerunner - Initial Thoughts

My human assist system.

I thought I would write a few things about our new bicycle since it is so new on the market and because I have benefited so much from other people's perspective of their cargo/transportation bicycles (I'm assuming other people will somehow find this blog). So, I suppose I should write a little something that will hopefully be useful for someone else out there.

When I was out looking for a cargo bike as an almost-car-replacement, one thing that concerned me in particular is the fact that I'm only 5'1/2" tall and about 105 lbs and a novice biker (I consider myself a novice even though I rode daily when I was in grad school as that was a long time ago, way back in the nineties). There was also some trepidation about my ability to handle traffic (Californian drivers) with two children and, not to mention, the grocery/books I would like to pick up using the bicycle. I felt strongly that I must be able to stand easily and support the bicycle (i.e. it can't be too heavy). 

I considered the Yuba Mundo, the Xtracycle Radish, and (briefly) the Madsen. I never did try the Yuba Mundo though I spoke to Richard of icargobike.com about it and he thought it should fit me with perhaps, if necessary, some adjustments by way of shortening the seat post. As to the Xtracycle Radish, I called up Xtracycle and asked them if they thought the Radish would fit me - would I be able to stand over the highest point of the top tube? The really good people of Xtracycle called me back to try to answer my questions about bike sizing as well as handling. The question was also forwarded to Xtracycle's Nate Byerley, who took the time to reply to my lengthy questions and to tell me that they have a new bike - the Edgerunner - coming out soon and that it has an even lower top tube than the Radish. On top of it, the Edgerunner has a 20" rear wheel that will effectively drop the weight of the children in the back. Edgerunner also has better parts relative to the Radish. In the meanwhile, I tried out Radish at a local bike store (Alternabike in Solana Beach) and discovered - happiness of happiness - that I am able to straddle over the top tube fine. I also tried out a Madsen from someone who was selling hers on Craigslist. I was interested in it because of its low step through and because the bucket can carry more than two children. It is also cheaper since it doesn't need car seat and the bucket provides a bit of wind protection. However, it was an immediate no go as it was simply too heavy and unwieldy for me. I strapped in both children and promptly, even before we got out of the lady's driveway, toppled the entire bike over. It was so heavy I was not able to stop it from hitting the ground. (The children, thankfully, were shaken but unhurt). It was just too big for a little person like me.

In the end, Zoe and I went up to San Francisco to try it out the Edgerunner. It was not quite a long try out and even though I was quite gingerly about it, the Edgerunner felt good and comfortable when I rode it around during the test ride. I also liked the fact that it has rim brakes and that the load sits lower (compared to the Radish). A big reason for deciding on the Xtracycle too (even before trying out the Yuba) is the fact that Nate was just so nice about answering all my questions. It seemed like no question was too stupid (I was rather self conscious about it since I experienced some condescension when I first started shopping and asking questions). So, long and short of it, we bit the bullet and went with the more expensive Edgerunner. 

So far, we love it and I think handling has become easier. Handling isn't hard, but - either because I'm a novice or because I was nervous or both - I felt that I needed to hold the handle bars tight to keep the front from wobbling. This was especially pronounced when I had to peddle hard up a hill. Since then, with more use, I feel less of this wobble but it is still there. Just yesterday, cars had to slow for me as I struggled to make a left hand turn at a junction with an incline. But it is getting better and as it is getting better, I assume it is a rider issue and not a bicycle issue (I would be able to confirm this later).

The Edgerunner has also, over the last month, become less a behemoth to me. It was never hard to ride but it is definitely easier and more natural to me now. It rides like a normal bicycle and is springy and responsive. That said, I have tipped the entire bike over twice now. The first time was when I went to get Zoe from school. I stopped to check to make sure that my sunglasses case didn't fall out of the bags and - for reasons I don't quite know - the whole thing went over while I was straddled over. The second time - yesterday - I was trying to push the bike (with two kids in the back) over a small curb. I was off the bike with both hands on the handle bars. The front wheel is over but the back wheels with the weight of the children on them was stuck. The bike fell on its side as I pushed forward harder. I think the lesson is for me to put one hand on the hooptie and another on the handle bar to better manage the weight in the back.

Finally, the brakes work. They work really, really well. We went down a very short but very steep hill yesterday. I was a little frightened of it. It didn't help that Zoe was begging me to get off the bike and walk it down. I'm glad I didn't as I wouldn't have been able to control the bike if I were off it and without the help of the brakes. Yay to good brakes.

Quite a few people stopped to talk to me about the bicycle yesterday. Mothers, fathers, random cyclists. It gave me hope that perhaps, before long, there will be more and more cargo bikes out here.

I ought to add that it hasn't been easy - physically - getting up the hills around here. Really, before actually riding up the hill, I thought I would overcome it. Now... I waver. Some days, like the little blue engine, I say "I think I can, I think I can." Others.... I can't. But it is getting easier, but I think a lot determination is needed on my part to get strong. Either that or I should start putting aside money for electric assist.

Electric Dreams

I'm seriously considering the electric option for the bicycles (the Gr8, with any luck, might be here in two or three weeks). I have been so, so keen to switch from car to bicycle. Unfortunately, I realize now that those "little" hills here are not so little and that the slightest uphill climb is a struggle. It is near impossible with the kids. I haven't taken the bicycle to run errands yet with the kids because I remember just how hard it was with just Zoe and her school bag. Going to say Trader Joe's should be mostly alright since it is down the hill. But how to get back up? So, for now, our brand new Edgerunner is used a lot less than envisioned.

I asked Richard of icargobikes.com about it and he suggested a few options, none of them truly cheap. Cheap is relative of course. Cheaper than buying a new car. Cheaper if one is able to amortize the expenditure over say ten years. Part of me feel foolish. Why did I even think of this? A Prius is a good vehicle. If one (I) really meant to do my part, I should just cut out  the longer drives to say H-mart to buy kimchi.

I'm thinking how hard it is for society to achieve "energy descend." Habits and lifestyle is hard to break. Last year, or is it two years ago now, I used to shower every other day on days I don't work in the garden. Now, I shower every day and I am not as mindful about getting out of the shower in minimal time. I luxuriate some days, even though I know that water is too precious to be used this way. Yet, I am selfish these days. With the bicycle, the idea is that it is a way of helping us achieve a healthy lifestyle (if we are healthy, we won't become a burden on the already overburdened health care system. If we are healthy, we can be useful members of society) and to reduce our reliance on gas, something that we are running out of rapidly. If we all use a little less, perhaps we could save our children from an even worse climatic fate in the future. It is a personal pledge to do something. Going car free is going to be hard. I never did think we can't do it. But now, I wonder if we can. The electric option would help me go car free, but it means we won't be completely free from external source of energy (not counting food as fuel for body of course). But it would help me get away from the car.

Our Bike is here!!!

Our life - or more like lifestyle - changing bicycle arrived last Friday. I expected to blog about it immediately, seeing that I have spent so much energy studying bicycles and pouring over other people's blogs about ditching their cars in favor of the bicycle for transportation. After the initial excitement of its arrival, it was a bit anti-climatic as I started to feel quite ill that evening. On Saturday, Dennis' birthday, I couldn't even get out of the bed. His birthday dinner was cancelled. I was miserable and sorely disappointed that we weren't able to go out with our new bike as part of Dennis' birthday celebration. I felt better on Sunday and, so keen on taking the bike out, we decided to visit the Botanic Gardens. It is about 1.7 miles away and Dennis followed along to make sure we are safe. The ride was exhilarating! I couldn't get up the final steep hill and got off to push. Dennis rode the bike back. Perhaps because he was starting to be worse for wear by that time, he had a really hard time making the ride back (it was somewhat an uphill ride). We figured out that what got me also got Dennis by the time we got home. He went to bed with deep shivers and the rest of the afternoon felt gloomy. Starting from Zoe, then Evan, and then Dennis and I, we have been sick for three weeks now (or by today, four weeks). In short, there wasn't a whole lot of opportunity to take pictures. The bike was also making a metallic rattling sound. Monday morning, Richard of icargobike.com (whom I got the bike through) came back to try to resolve the problem of the mysterious sound. Richard actually came on Saturday (the day after he brought the bike to us) to try to fix the problem, but I was in bed sick. Anyhow, after some power tools and lots of tinkering, Richard solved the problem. I think I wasn't 100% over the flu, but I felt much better and decided to go and pick up Zoe from school with our bike, partly because I was keen on trying our bicycle and partly because Zoe thought I would take her to school with the bicycle and was sorely disappointed in the morning when I told her that was not to be the case (it was cold and very foggy and I didn't buy lights yet).

It took me 40 minutes to ride the 6.3 miles to Zoe's school. It was easy going down Leucadia Blvd. Those disc brakes worked very well! It was alright along highway 101, even along the parts when the road starts to climb, but it was tough when I got to Pointsettia and had to start climbing. I was tired and got off to rest for a few minutes before continuing. The other mothers at the school were quite impressed when I showed up. I think I was just flushed at that point.

It was all good till then. Zoe was a bit quiet when I got her. She was quite pleased with the idea of the bike, but became quiet soon after. I kept asking her if she was alright and she said yes. It took us an hour and forty minutes to get home! Along the way, Zoe looked more and more miserable. I too started to feel miserable when we got to Leucadia Blvd again. It is a straight mile up and I just had no more in me to make it up. I got off the bike and pushed. I was so winded I was worried I couldn't hold the bike up much longer. We got home finally, but I was drenched in sweat and very, very hungry. When we got home, Zoe finally blurted out, "I'm COLD!!!!" I felt her hands and realized she was! I felt terrible. I brought her an extra fleece, but I took her silence to mean she's fine. I should have felt her.

I haven't gotten on our Edgerunner since then because I haven't been well since then (I guess I exerted myself too soon), and because, frankly, I'm worried about having two kids on the bike at once. Dennis was home with Evan when I went to get Zoe that day. I'm worried that I'm not fit enough to have both kids on for such a long ride. I guess my confidence is a bit shaken. But I know too that I must get back on. The only way to get stronger is to practice and to just use the bicycle. But I have to admit that I was a bit down as I realized that I can't honestly tell others (in the area) to go car free or car less until I can use the bicycle with greater confidence and ease.

Still, I'm down but not beaten (or not yet). What with global warming and peak oil, sacrifices must be made. I still think bicycles is the future. And knowing what I know about the wreckage we have wrought on the environment and what this means for future generations, I cannot do nothing.

Guilt

It has been a tough week here at the Kim household. Zoe was the first to come down with a high fever. Evan followed two days later with his own. Zoe being Zoe was still easy going. She took her Ibuprofen, she went to the doctor and calmly observed everything even with a 102 fever. Evan fought tooth and nail over his medicine. We finally had to pour it down his throat. He was fussy and had to be held constantly and would not suffer being put down even for a minute. I held him as much as he wanted at first, but yesterday, when I deemed him to be better and still he wouldn't allow me to use the bathroom or do anything and protested with shrieks, he got scolded by me. He responded with more crying and I responded with more high volume reprimands. He was such a bundle of negativity and I, shamefully, responded in kind. That was pretty much the kind of day we had until I finally lost it around three in the afternoon. I called Dennis just to vent but started to brawl like a baby. Dennis, wonderful husband that he is, decided to come home immediately to relieve me. And guess what? Evan, seeing me cry, came and gave me a hug. It wasn't him demanding "hug!!!" and "bao bao." It was him giving me a hug while I sat there crying in frustration and guilt over having yelled at him at the top of my lungs and totally losing my temper. So we held one another till Dennis came back. Poor little fella, all he wanted was me to love him while he was miserable. But Dennis reprimanded him and sent me out with Zoe (for my respite). So Evan go to sit on Dennis' lap the rest of the afternoon.

Evan is better today. He woke up happy and guess what? He didn't want me to "bao bao" him. And guess what? I'm miss him wanting my "bao bao." I worry now that all our scolding him has made him think I don't want to "bao bao" him.

Bicycle Obsession

I started thinking about bicycle and using a bicycle to run errands soon after we bought our house three years ago. Partly because of other more pressing financial exigencies (there were still lots around the house that took priority) and because I was soon pregnant with Evan, the bicycle idea was filed away. Then last summer, I started thinking about it seriously and, since then, it has gone from just a "it would be nice" to a full blown obsession. Dennis' car being out of commission for a few months and the idea of paying thirty, forty thousand for say a new Prius hastened the path towards embracing car alternatives.

But unlike cars, where my attitude (shared by Dennis) is "as long as it gets us there," and "fuel economy," I have developed an affinity for beautiful and well made bicycles. For that, I know that I am influenced by bloggers like lovelybike.blogspot.com and letsgorideabike.blogspot.com. At first I went to them to research the bicycle that I'm interested in. I poured over product reviews. But along the way, I found out that the world of bicycles is very, very large. So many possibilities. So many beautiful bikes that takes skills to make. There are still bicycles that are made in America! Made by people who cherish their craft and not just something that is slapped together in a factory somewhere in China.

Of course, reading about other biking family, families who transport their children and commute by bike has been so inspiring. (For this, I am really glad of the internet and the world of blog - one can learn so much and feel so much less alone and vanguard-ish with just a few clicks). I read about how the families decided on their particular bike style ("long john," "long tail," "midtail") and then bike. It's been awesome.

Now, I am fantasizing about owning a transport bike store. I was quite vexed with the lack of stores that carry the brands I am interested in here. There is actually one that was a local dealer to a bike (Xtracycle Edgerunner) I set my heart on. But the service was lacking and lackadaisical. There really wasn't any product range to see (there was a Madsen and a Xtracycle radish and that was it for the entire cargobike "store") nor willingness to return my emails nor phone calls. Anyhow, I feel quite passionate that this is something that is happening and that there is more and more people who would be receptive to bike commuting and transportation - if only it isn't so hard to test and buy a bike. Of course, this is still at the fantasy stage. I am quite aware of how little I know of bicycles. Can one run a store successfully with merely a passion for the idea of the product and how it is necessary going forward in our Peak Oil world? And, importantly, I don't even have a bicycle in possession yet (though I have ordered one and waiting to pay for another - the Edgerunner).

I can't wait. But I shall of course. Patiently. In the meanwhile, there are fruit trees to prune, garden to weed, children to care for.

Evan said

I am so excited and exalted. Evan's range of words and sounds has taken a sudden leap. In the last two days, he has said "ball," "play," "bread," "jie jie" (sister in mandarin), nuna (sister in korean) and "truck." The latter three are in response to our "can you say?" He also learnt "Bao Bao" for "carry me." It is the sweetest thing ever and I almost melted when uttered those words. Evan has a sweet voice. This is a giant leap in range of sounds and ability to copy. He has heretofore refused our attempt to get him to copy sounds. I'm so excited!

Language Development - New Words!!!

I am wondering now if Halmonie read my post yesterday and made a special prayer for Evan. Today, Evan said "beach," "water," and "juice!" That's three words I have never heard out of his mouth before! Ok, he hasn't said the words more than five times (that's when they can be officially counted as part of his spoken/signed vocabulary). But he said it! They were spoken in context and used correctly! I was using some of the methods taught by the speech therapy class - repetition and taking turns. With the water, I played this silly game where I looked into his cup (filled with water) and exclaimed, "what's inside your cup? Is it milk?" Evan shook his head and said "no!" and then indicated with sign language that the content is water. I then looked into the cup with an exaggerated puzzled look and said, "No! This does not look like water! It is milk!" Evan then giggled and said "no" again and then signed "water." We went back and forth many times with it. Evan giggled and giggled. The point was to repeat the sound of milk and water. Finally, at some point, he said water instead of signing it. I was delighted. We played the same game, but substituting juice for milk and Evan said juice at some point too! Evan might have said it again except that Dennis was so happy about it he immediately followed Evan's pronouncement of it with a loud "Evan said JUICE!" and Evan backed off after. Never mind. This is all progress and I am so encouraged by it!

New Year, New Challenges

This new year started out with some excitement (of the bad sort). We put one of our chickens down on Wednesday. Little Ruby, our blue laced red Wyandotte, started to go blind a few months ago. I believe it is the ocular form or Marek's. At first she seemed to do fine despite her condition. She was much slower and missed out on all the treats we brought to the birds (the others got to them before she even realized they are there); but she found the food bin and water container fine. We thought she might well be with us for a while yet. Unfortunately, we came back from our vacation to find her ostracized and bullied by the others. The other hens pecked at her and kept her from eating and drinking. We took her out of the run and let her wander the yard. She was happier out for sure and even ate some weeds, but wouldn't drink and was starting to show signs of diarrhea. We thought it is probably more humane to put her out of her misery rather than have her die through emaciation. It is probably the right thing to do, but part of me now wish that I cuddled her more and perhaps try to make her more comfortable or gave her more time before putting her down. A lot of it has got to do with lack of time. I don't have the time to try to coax food and water into her. She might have lived longer under that sort of intensive care conditions, conditions I am unable to provide. Life is so short. I thinking I am starting to cope with illnesses and death amongst our backyard flock better. I wept for nearly two weeks when we gave away (to unknown fate) our roosters.

That's one excitement. Now to report on the challenge: Evan has made very little progress on his speech development. We are - or I am - starting to think that he might have Apraxia. According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, apraxia is a disorder of the brain and nervous system in which a person is unable to perform tasks or movements when asked, even though the request or command is understood, they are willing to perform the task, the muscles needed to perform the task work properly, and that the task may have already been learned. I brought this up with the speech pathologist today and she said it is a possibility, though at this stage, it is not clear if Evan simply has a speech delay (a developmental issue) or has apraxia (neurological issue). Since the treatment (or methods to encourage and teach language) at this age is basically the same, we will continue with the methods and speech therapy classes for now and observe Evan further. I have to confess that I haven't taken speech therapy very seriously. The feeling was that every child has his own developmental curve and Evan will speak eventually, nothing to worry too much about. Then, on New Year's Eve, it dawned on me how little progress Evan has made and how far behind he is to even the "slow speakers." Thinking about it, I also realized Evan can't ask the why and how questions Zoe was already asking by two years old. I imagine Evan is learning about the world around him nevertheless, but without the power of language, he is inhibited from more. I also worry that unless this is corrected, he would have a hard time in school, could develop low self esteem, and have trouble playing with other kids (cannot be understood and thus have social issues). It is quite one thing to be an introvert, a watcher, but quite another to be one whose voice is trapped inside his head. In short, I'm going to have to ramp up my efforts at using the methods I've been taught at the speech therapy sessions. If I had other big goals forming in my head - starting a business, forming a transitions group for Encinitas - they are now going to be on the back burner for now.