Zoe asked me to play a game of chess with her this evening. We played it last night too, after she rediscovered her chess set in her closet. She did chess last year for a couple of months - an after school extra-curricula activity. I did not continue her with it as she was still needing naps then and 1:30 p.m. is smack right in the middle of Evan's nap time. Anyhow, she had renewed enthusiasm for it, but with very little recollection of the rules of the game and played it with as much strategic sense as an average five year does, which is to say not much. Last night, I helped her along and let her win. Tonight, I was trying to teach Zoe points like thinking ahead, looking to see if there's any potential danger with any new potential position, and making offensive moves rather than just defensive moves. I think, when she was unreceptive to my teaching, I become somewhat impatient. Zoe in turn became flustered. Clearly, my lecturing was marring her enjoyment of the game. We had to stop the game because Evan came along and demanded for me to read him his last bedtime book. As I walked away, I realized how badly I was behaving and felt terribly ashamed. I still feel ashamed. This is how I turn a positive thing - mother-daughter time - into a negative thing (trying to improve Zoe when it is not necessary). It is just a game.
So I sit here feeling ashamed and can't wait till Zoe wakes up in the morning so that I can try to be a better mother. When one makes mistakes so often, it is no longer mistakes but a character trait. I think I am after all a very impatient mom. I don't remember raising my voice against Zoe much. I think the first time I truly raised my voice was when she was three years some and we were fighting over potty training. Somehow, over time, I've become less calm and less gentle. I need to regain calm and gentleness. Zoe and Evan are so precious to me. I don't want them to become impatient people just because their mother is.