Guilt

It has been a tough week here at the Kim household. Zoe was the first to come down with a high fever. Evan followed two days later with his own. Zoe being Zoe was still easy going. She took her Ibuprofen, she went to the doctor and calmly observed everything even with a 102 fever. Evan fought tooth and nail over his medicine. We finally had to pour it down his throat. He was fussy and had to be held constantly and would not suffer being put down even for a minute. I held him as much as he wanted at first, but yesterday, when I deemed him to be better and still he wouldn't allow me to use the bathroom or do anything and protested with shrieks, he got scolded by me. He responded with more crying and I responded with more high volume reprimands. He was such a bundle of negativity and I, shamefully, responded in kind. That was pretty much the kind of day we had until I finally lost it around three in the afternoon. I called Dennis just to vent but started to brawl like a baby. Dennis, wonderful husband that he is, decided to come home immediately to relieve me. And guess what? Evan, seeing me cry, came and gave me a hug. It wasn't him demanding "hug!!!" and "bao bao." It was him giving me a hug while I sat there crying in frustration and guilt over having yelled at him at the top of my lungs and totally losing my temper. So we held one another till Dennis came back. Poor little fella, all he wanted was me to love him while he was miserable. But Dennis reprimanded him and sent me out with Zoe (for my respite). So Evan go to sit on Dennis' lap the rest of the afternoon.

Evan is better today. He woke up happy and guess what? He didn't want me to "bao bao" him. And guess what? I'm miss him wanting my "bao bao." I worry now that all our scolding him has made him think I don't want to "bao bao" him.

Bicycle Obsession

I started thinking about bicycle and using a bicycle to run errands soon after we bought our house three years ago. Partly because of other more pressing financial exigencies (there were still lots around the house that took priority) and because I was soon pregnant with Evan, the bicycle idea was filed away. Then last summer, I started thinking about it seriously and, since then, it has gone from just a "it would be nice" to a full blown obsession. Dennis' car being out of commission for a few months and the idea of paying thirty, forty thousand for say a new Prius hastened the path towards embracing car alternatives.

But unlike cars, where my attitude (shared by Dennis) is "as long as it gets us there," and "fuel economy," I have developed an affinity for beautiful and well made bicycles. For that, I know that I am influenced by bloggers like lovelybike.blogspot.com and letsgorideabike.blogspot.com. At first I went to them to research the bicycle that I'm interested in. I poured over product reviews. But along the way, I found out that the world of bicycles is very, very large. So many possibilities. So many beautiful bikes that takes skills to make. There are still bicycles that are made in America! Made by people who cherish their craft and not just something that is slapped together in a factory somewhere in China.

Of course, reading about other biking family, families who transport their children and commute by bike has been so inspiring. (For this, I am really glad of the internet and the world of blog - one can learn so much and feel so much less alone and vanguard-ish with just a few clicks). I read about how the families decided on their particular bike style ("long john," "long tail," "midtail") and then bike. It's been awesome.

Now, I am fantasizing about owning a transport bike store. I was quite vexed with the lack of stores that carry the brands I am interested in here. There is actually one that was a local dealer to a bike (Xtracycle Edgerunner) I set my heart on. But the service was lacking and lackadaisical. There really wasn't any product range to see (there was a Madsen and a Xtracycle radish and that was it for the entire cargobike "store") nor willingness to return my emails nor phone calls. Anyhow, I feel quite passionate that this is something that is happening and that there is more and more people who would be receptive to bike commuting and transportation - if only it isn't so hard to test and buy a bike. Of course, this is still at the fantasy stage. I am quite aware of how little I know of bicycles. Can one run a store successfully with merely a passion for the idea of the product and how it is necessary going forward in our Peak Oil world? And, importantly, I don't even have a bicycle in possession yet (though I have ordered one and waiting to pay for another - the Edgerunner).

I can't wait. But I shall of course. Patiently. In the meanwhile, there are fruit trees to prune, garden to weed, children to care for.

Evan said

I am so excited and exalted. Evan's range of words and sounds has taken a sudden leap. In the last two days, he has said "ball," "play," "bread," "jie jie" (sister in mandarin), nuna (sister in korean) and "truck." The latter three are in response to our "can you say?" He also learnt "Bao Bao" for "carry me." It is the sweetest thing ever and I almost melted when uttered those words. Evan has a sweet voice. This is a giant leap in range of sounds and ability to copy. He has heretofore refused our attempt to get him to copy sounds. I'm so excited!

Language Development - New Words!!!

I am wondering now if Halmonie read my post yesterday and made a special prayer for Evan. Today, Evan said "beach," "water," and "juice!" That's three words I have never heard out of his mouth before! Ok, he hasn't said the words more than five times (that's when they can be officially counted as part of his spoken/signed vocabulary). But he said it! They were spoken in context and used correctly! I was using some of the methods taught by the speech therapy class - repetition and taking turns. With the water, I played this silly game where I looked into his cup (filled with water) and exclaimed, "what's inside your cup? Is it milk?" Evan shook his head and said "no!" and then indicated with sign language that the content is water. I then looked into the cup with an exaggerated puzzled look and said, "No! This does not look like water! It is milk!" Evan then giggled and said "no" again and then signed "water." We went back and forth many times with it. Evan giggled and giggled. The point was to repeat the sound of milk and water. Finally, at some point, he said water instead of signing it. I was delighted. We played the same game, but substituting juice for milk and Evan said juice at some point too! Evan might have said it again except that Dennis was so happy about it he immediately followed Evan's pronouncement of it with a loud "Evan said JUICE!" and Evan backed off after. Never mind. This is all progress and I am so encouraged by it!

New Year, New Challenges

This new year started out with some excitement (of the bad sort). We put one of our chickens down on Wednesday. Little Ruby, our blue laced red Wyandotte, started to go blind a few months ago. I believe it is the ocular form or Marek's. At first she seemed to do fine despite her condition. She was much slower and missed out on all the treats we brought to the birds (the others got to them before she even realized they are there); but she found the food bin and water container fine. We thought she might well be with us for a while yet. Unfortunately, we came back from our vacation to find her ostracized and bullied by the others. The other hens pecked at her and kept her from eating and drinking. We took her out of the run and let her wander the yard. She was happier out for sure and even ate some weeds, but wouldn't drink and was starting to show signs of diarrhea. We thought it is probably more humane to put her out of her misery rather than have her die through emaciation. It is probably the right thing to do, but part of me now wish that I cuddled her more and perhaps try to make her more comfortable or gave her more time before putting her down. A lot of it has got to do with lack of time. I don't have the time to try to coax food and water into her. She might have lived longer under that sort of intensive care conditions, conditions I am unable to provide. Life is so short. I thinking I am starting to cope with illnesses and death amongst our backyard flock better. I wept for nearly two weeks when we gave away (to unknown fate) our roosters.

That's one excitement. Now to report on the challenge: Evan has made very little progress on his speech development. We are - or I am - starting to think that he might have Apraxia. According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, apraxia is a disorder of the brain and nervous system in which a person is unable to perform tasks or movements when asked, even though the request or command is understood, they are willing to perform the task, the muscles needed to perform the task work properly, and that the task may have already been learned. I brought this up with the speech pathologist today and she said it is a possibility, though at this stage, it is not clear if Evan simply has a speech delay (a developmental issue) or has apraxia (neurological issue). Since the treatment (or methods to encourage and teach language) at this age is basically the same, we will continue with the methods and speech therapy classes for now and observe Evan further. I have to confess that I haven't taken speech therapy very seriously. The feeling was that every child has his own developmental curve and Evan will speak eventually, nothing to worry too much about. Then, on New Year's Eve, it dawned on me how little progress Evan has made and how far behind he is to even the "slow speakers." Thinking about it, I also realized Evan can't ask the why and how questions Zoe was already asking by two years old. I imagine Evan is learning about the world around him nevertheless, but without the power of language, he is inhibited from more. I also worry that unless this is corrected, he would have a hard time in school, could develop low self esteem, and have trouble playing with other kids (cannot be understood and thus have social issues). It is quite one thing to be an introvert, a watcher, but quite another to be one whose voice is trapped inside his head. In short, I'm going to have to ramp up my efforts at using the methods I've been taught at the speech therapy sessions. If I had other big goals forming in my head - starting a business, forming a transitions group for Encinitas - they are now going to be on the back burner for now.