Guilt

It has been a tough week here at the Kim household. Zoe was the first to come down with a high fever. Evan followed two days later with his own. Zoe being Zoe was still easy going. She took her Ibuprofen, she went to the doctor and calmly observed everything even with a 102 fever. Evan fought tooth and nail over his medicine. We finally had to pour it down his throat. He was fussy and had to be held constantly and would not suffer being put down even for a minute. I held him as much as he wanted at first, but yesterday, when I deemed him to be better and still he wouldn't allow me to use the bathroom or do anything and protested with shrieks, he got scolded by me. He responded with more crying and I responded with more high volume reprimands. He was such a bundle of negativity and I, shamefully, responded in kind. That was pretty much the kind of day we had until I finally lost it around three in the afternoon. I called Dennis just to vent but started to brawl like a baby. Dennis, wonderful husband that he is, decided to come home immediately to relieve me. And guess what? Evan, seeing me cry, came and gave me a hug. It wasn't him demanding "hug!!!" and "bao bao." It was him giving me a hug while I sat there crying in frustration and guilt over having yelled at him at the top of my lungs and totally losing my temper. So we held one another till Dennis came back. Poor little fella, all he wanted was me to love him while he was miserable. But Dennis reprimanded him and sent me out with Zoe (for my respite). So Evan go to sit on Dennis' lap the rest of the afternoon.

Evan is better today. He woke up happy and guess what? He didn't want me to "bao bao" him. And guess what? I'm miss him wanting my "bao bao." I worry now that all our scolding him has made him think I don't want to "bao bao" him.