Almost one and four

Evan is 10 months old!

And Zoe is almost four years old!

Innocence Lost

A terrible thing happened in Norway last week. A right wing extremist had, in the name of protecting his country against liberals and Islam, gone on a rampage, killing nearly a hundred people, most of them youths. Everywhere it seems "the center cannot hold." And today, I read a op-ed in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/27/opinion/27nesbo.html?src=me&ref=general). It was written by Jo Nesbo, an author. The op-ed talked about the the lost of innocence, about how, "there is no road back to the way it was" in Norway. It made me think about the way things are in America and the world right now, about my sense that soon, there will be no way back. Environmental degradation, resource wars, wars fueled by religious differences. The peace I enjoyed growing up, the wealth, the luxury of complacency about how things will basically be the same or better... my children will probably not have it. And it's not even just about these mega events. The innocence is lost at the most basic level. Today, in the toy store was an elderly gentleman. He looked perfectly respectable and was there taking a long time studying toys. I imagine he is a loving grandfather looking for a meaningful gift for his grandchild. But still, a part of me, having read just one too many story about pedophiles and kidnapped children, regarded him warily. Obviously, I no longer feel a sense of security when it comes to my children. There is no trust. And there is fear. A couple of weeks ago, at a playground, a child fell almost in front of me. He tripped. I instinctively reached forward to help him. But I also stopped myself from being too helpful. Just in case the mother thinks I'm about to kidnap her child. It's crazy. Completely crazy.

Only eight months

It looks like my breastfeeding career is over. Evan has been on a nursing strike for more than a week now. It started because he caught the dreadful cold that swept through our household. He became congested and was not able to nurse. I think he couldn't breathe and it was such a horrible experience that he has since been agitated the minute I try to nurse him. I pumped for a week, and even went to rent a hospital pump yesterday. I figured I can ride this one out too. Then, today, this afternoon, after yet another dismal output, I decided to throw in the towel. Eight months (or seven months and three weeks some) is all the nursing Evan is going to get. Funnily enough, the last day he nursed was the Monday morning after Mother's Day. Zoe's last nurse was on Mother's Day morning. I'm going to have to work hard to get him the nutrition he needs. The boy's diapers have been awfully dry. He refuses to take any liquids from sippy cups. I'm forced to get liquid into him by mixing it with rice cereal or by feeding him sip by sip.

Like a Zoo

"Zoe, please clean up your toys before company arrives for dinner. We don't want this place to look like a zoo." I could tell immediately from her expression that she couldn't figure out why that was a bad thing. Next time I'll choose a different expression.

Allergies

It looks like Evan has allergies. Before we started him on solids, his skin was clear or just slightly blemished by eczema on most days. They flared up only when I ingest dairy or some derivative of cow's milk protein. Since he started on solids, the cheeks has been red and rashy. I haven't identified the exact culprit or culprits (allergic children tend to be allergic to many food), but we have very good reasons to think that Evan is allergic to wheat. So we have avoided wheat. But still the eczema persists. I have to start the sort of regiment I kept when Zoe had her eczema. i.e. I have to keep tract of everything that enters Evan and my mouth. Sigh. I was hoping it won't come to this. It was hard work with Zoe the last time. I'm glad it paid off. Zoe has mostly outgrown her food allergies. She is now only mildly allergic to walnuts and hazelnuts.

Evan's First Recognizable Word: PA!!

This morning, Evan uttered his first recognizable word. He looked at Dennis and called him "Pa!" It was an emphatic "Pa," said so while Dennis was changing his diaper. He made Dennis soooo proud and happy.

Crawling!

Evan and Solids

This is a video of Evan enjoying this thing called "solids." It is really more mush than solids.

Teeth!!

Evan's first tooth has broken through his gums. I felt it for the first time a couple of days ago (Saturday, March 19). It was right after his first morning feed. Evan grabbed my finger and shoved it into his mouth. He was gnawing at my finger when I felt the sharp edge of a tooth. It was very exciting. Dennis missed it as he was so tired he slept through my "Yobo, Yobo, I just felt Evan's teeth!"

Makes My Heart Happy

Dennis and Zoe were outside in the garden today. Dennis said, "Doesn't the flowers smell nice?" Zoe replies, "Yes, it makes my heart happy."

The exchange, our little girl, make our hearts so happy.

Solids

We started Evan on solids this past Sunday (March 13). So far, the boy is delighted with the upgrade. He giggles and smiles whenever he is presented with the rice porridge. There was some hesitancy at first, but he embraced this new experience pretty quickly.

 A mix of curiosity and anxiety.

 After a few spoonfuls, Evan decided he liked it.

Zoe sayings

A few days ago:
"I'm working really hard to become four!"

This morning at breakfast table:
Zoe was prattling on about one thing or other, reciting a list of animals, when she suddenly stopped and said, "I'll explain that one later."

Roll Over

Evan has mastered rolling over. He managed rolling over once in a while before, but started doing it in earnest last week. He is quite an expert with it by now. Since Evan can't speak yet, I can only speculate that he is very anxious to get moving. He would roll himself onto his belly and start shaking all four as if trying to move. Then he would grunt and then whine - I believe - in frustration for not achieving his goal. Or, I should say, for not achieving his goal consistently. He moves. Mostly, he rotates in place. A few days ago, I suspect he even managed to crawl. I say I suspect because he was not where I placed him down on when I walked away. And his new location tells me that he didn't get there by rolling over many times.

I think he is on the cusp of some major development. Evan has been sleeping very badly - at night and in the day. He keeps turning himself over and looks like he is trying to crawl. We'll see, we'll see. I sense a lot of frustration. The boy is keen to be like his sister!

Schools, schools, schools

I'm still mulling over whether to send Zoe to Anneliese. I'm hoping to find a school that is like it here in San Diego or Encinitas. I should have done this earlier as this is a bit late in the day. Most schools are accepting applications now and evidently one is supposed to do tours before February. Anyhow, I discovered that there is a cooperative preschool nearby in Solana Beach. A cooperative school is one where parents are expected and obligated to help at the school. While perusing its website, I came across a section with helpful advise for parents while they are "helping out" at the school. I thought it made a lot of sense and it gave me a fresh perspective on how I should interact with Zoe and Evan when it comes to certain types of play and when they are say drawing or painting.

A common mistake made by parents as they interact with children is to ask a busy child, “What are you making...What is that?”. Young children many times are not making anything when they are drawing, painting, etc. What they are doing is learning to grip a crayon or paintbrush and learning different strokes or movements with their fingers and hands. They are experimenting with colors and textures, and just having fun along the way. When we suggest to a child that there is a desired end result, we are taking away from the above process of learning. The process is much more important than the product. We want children to feel comfortable in their own creative expression, no matter how it turns out in the end. We like to provide children with many open-ended activities, which may not be aesthetically pleasing to a parent who is a product-orientated person. Some better types of questions are “Tell me about this...Tell me about the colors you used...Wow...look at this pattern over here...” etc. When you are at the playdoh or clay table, or drawing with the children, please let the children create their own things. If you start drawing a field of flowers how you see it, this may intimidate a child to draw their own pictures. Soon, you will hear, “You do it for me ... I can’t draw a field of flowers like you can!” Please stick with simple drawings of patterns and designs; with playdoh or clay, use simple movements like rolling balls, smashing pancakes, etc. 

 (Sandy Hill Nursery School http://www.sandyhillnurseryschool.com/helperguidelines.html)

Education Choices

I must be out of my mind, but I am considering sending Zoe to a school that is 50 minutes north of us by car. I found out about this school - Anneliese School - only a few days ago. Idle curiosity brought me to their website. Photos of the school showed happy children gardening, playing, working in classrooms that are warm, cozy and colorful.

Then, I got to the letter the founder of the school, Anneliese Schimmelpfennig, wrote to parents speaking of the school's philosophy:


"children who are free to learn without force and pressure from parents, become more confident and balanced people and prove to be successful in their careers and in social conditions. Children whose parents encourage their learning but do not pressure, nudge but do not nag, feel that their parents trust them as learners.

In turn, children begin to take responsibility for their own learning and try their best at whatever academic and social situation they encounter in school. They want to do their best, not because they want parental approval, but because they have made a commitment to themselves. This intrinsic desire for learning comes from the child's inner resources. Parents need to learn to let these "inner" resources of the child emerge, which is why letting go of the pressure is so important.

I do not in any way suggest that parents remove themselves from their children's learning experience. On the contrary, parents should play an active role in the intellectual, creative and social development of the child and provide a rich, stimulating environment. This is different than putting pressure on the child to "do well in school." Children inherently flourish in an environment where love, support and encouragement are present.

The ultimate purpose of this message is to remind you to enjoy your children's wonderful development as they grow as human beings. Each child is born with a talent or a strength that we as educators and you as parents must discover and encourage. Every child is unique in their development; this includes reading, writing, and other cognitive processes. We must allow each child to unfold as both a human
being and a learner in their own time.

There is no finish line or "winner." A child who doesn't read until eight can become a great poet or doctor, or a child who only plays can become a great thinker or leader. We can raise intelligent, productive, balanced children if we give them a chance to find their own way, with their own rhythm--without the constant stresses and demands of parent "pushing" them to succeed.

Our greatest contribution as parents and educators is to raise children who have a wonder for life and a love for learning."

I was hooked. Anneliese seems the epitome of what I consider a great - or ideal - school for children. The visit today confirmed it. The school grounds had a magical quality about it. But what is a great/ideal school? For me, an ideal school offers an environment for a child to blossom in; it offers the child ample opportunities to learn about himself/herself, the world about them, and his/her position within this world. It teaches "worldly" knowledge, but its most important task is to tend to the growth of the whole person by fostering a love of learning, confidence in self, and love for others. 


As much as I like Zoe's current preschool and her teachers, I have never been 100% in love with it or without my doubts about it. Thus far, even though Zoe is finally accepting of it now, she does not approach school days with unadulterated joy. Even though we like that she learns a lot (e.g. vertebrates versus invertebrates, seasons, planets in our solar system etc etc), I wonder if it has a bit too much "formal" instruction for Zoe's personality and temperament. 

I considered the Waldorf school nearby before, but I thought that the Waldorf philosophy of eschewing  all "formal" education at this stage to be too extreme too. Anneliese School seem just perfect. 


I'm really tempted.The distance is one thing. Dennis is very supportive of most things I want, but he is not enthusiastic about my driving such distances (even if it is just twice a week) to take Zoe to school. The other thing is cost. Not factoring gas and time, the fees are slightly higher. The other question is whether we would have Zoe attend both Anneliese and Brilliant Kids (her current school). Zoe's current school is, I think, marvelous in imparting a lot of knowledge and instilling discipline. There is value in that too. We might not be able to afford both schools at once. Another consideration too is that I don't feel the need for Zoe to be in school more than three or four days a week right now. Time at home is valuable too, even if it is spent just playing or idling or reading. Zoe is only 3 1/2 years old after all! 


All thess choices!! Zoe made it clear that she wants to go back to Anneliese. When we got back to the car, she said she really liked the school, that she liked the garden teacher, and asked me if she could "come back to this school when I get bigger?"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is what Anneliese Schools have to say about their Values:

Core Values and Behavioral / Learning Values

At Anneliese Schools, we define ourselves, not so much by rules and systems or measurable outcomes for our students, but by the values we seek to exhibit collectively, consistently, and courageously. Following Anneliese Schools’ trio of core values, we have added additional behavioral and learning values that we cultivate in community. For all of the educators, parents, children and administrators who work and learn at Anneliese Schools, our values provide us with a basic framework for how we aspire to act and communicate.
The three core values of Love, Freedom and Self-Discipline, provide the cornerstone of our education. As a trio, these values define the essential style of Anneliese Schools: imaginative, colorful, exuberant, but also maintaining a sense of routine, orderliness and respect. These values are fully interdependent. For example, one cannot enjoy Freedom without Self-Discipline, and one cannot teach Self-Discipline without Love.
Love
Anneliese Schools believe that both teachers and parents love for the children radiates into them and models for them how to be kind to each other. Love and discipline go together. Children need tools to become self-realized adults; they need discipline to make the most of themselves. When the children know they are loved, you can then expect from them self-discipline, and an engagement in the learning material you present them.
Freedom
Anneliese Schools seeks to teach children that freedom is not chaos, but that it is something different. Freedom does not mean giving children free reign, or allowing an environment in which there is an absence of discipline and structure. Rather, freedom means watching children with careful eye, while at the same time allowing them to make mistakes and feel experiences out for themselves. Anneliese Schools believes that freedom is the natural, exploratory, curious instinct in a child. Because this is innate in children, adults simply need to create an atmosphere in which children feel free to explore and take risks with learning, allowing them to come to their own conclusions in their own ways, and on their own time.
Self Discipline
Children generally associate discipline with feeling controlled, and being punished. We encourage our teachers to help children develop self-discipline for their own benefit. It is a tool for self-knowledge, a way for students to understand their own humanity, and to explore the world safely. These children don’t require as much external direction, but feel secure enough to make decisions for themselves, and strong enough to explore their interests. When children learn how to discipline themselves, they understand how to try, how long to try and when to stop.

Behavioral & Learning Values

We hold students up to high standards for behavior and respect here at our School. Our behavioral expectations are modeled on the following values:

• Self Discipline & Independent Learning
• Respect for teaching & the Teacher
• Support of others
• Self-control
• Expression of Constructive Disagreement
• Active Participation
• Inquisitiveness
• Creativity
• Attentive Listening
• Acknowledging & Learning from Mistakes

We encourage and greatly appreciate parents’ efforts to reinforce the value system of the school at home. This provides children with consistency and healthy guidelines for behavior, and creates unity between the messages children receive at home and at school.

I AM SELF-DISCIPLINED 

• I am prepared for class and learning
  • I bring completed homework & supplies
  • I am ready to learn when class begins
• I remain focused and on task even when there are distractions
• I put effort and care into my work
• I persevere when I am challenged, discouraged or tired
• I take action to do extremely well
• I refrain from making negative comments & gestures

I EXERCISE SELF-CONTROL

• I hold my body with dignity
• I am aware of my own physical space and the physical space of others
  • I don’t crowd my classmates
  • I don’t go through my classmates’ property
• My physical behavior is appropriate to where I am
  • I don’t rough-house or run in the classroom
• I keep my hands to myself during class-time

I EXPRESS MY DISAGREEMENT CONSTRUCTIVELY

• I refrain from making negative comments
• I refrain from making negative gestures, and unpleasant sounds
• I think before I speak
• I value my opinion enough to articulate it calmly

I AM INQUISITIVE

• I ask questions about things because life is interesting
• I ask How and Why because finding answers is an adventure
• I ask questions because it keeps my mind alive
• I ask questions because I care (about people and the world)

I PARTICIPATE

• I participate because I am not afraid to make mistakes
• I share my ideas
• I participate in discussions because I value myself
• I participate respectfully
• I can participate by listening attentively

I RESPECT TEACHING

• I respect teachers because they help me discover who I am and help me imagine who I can become
• I know that my teacher has a lot to teach me
• I am grateful for the opportunity to learn
• I respect my teacher and his or her teaching by
  • listening to directions
  • not talking to my friends while my teacher is teaching

I SUPPORT OTHERS

• I use my words to positive ends, because what I say is a reflection of my character
• I take opportunities to make friendly comments to my classmates
• I refrain from putting people down
• I refrain from gossiping
• I am strong enough to stand up for the fair treatment of others
• I am strong enough to stand up for others in need
• I know that each person deserves my tolerance and patience

I ACKNOWLEDGE and LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES

• I recognize that it takes maturity and strength to acknowledge my mistakes
• I take responsibility for my mistakes even when it is difficult
• I repeat my mistakes less frequently over time
• I know that constructive criticism is not a personal attack, but an opportunity to grow
• I know it takes time & effort to change behaviors, and I am committed to making my best effort

I LISTEN ATTENTIVELY

• I pay attention to whomever is speaking
• I refrain from talking to my neighbors or friends when someone else is talking
• I make the effort to tune in when someone is speaking, because this person deserves my respect, and I can learn from what he or she is sharing
• My body language demonstrates openness and interest

I THINK CREATIVELY

• I know that being original is a strength
• I push myself to explore and develop my unique ideas
• I welcome fresh and unexpected ideas and ways of doing things
• I try to solve problems in creative & unconventional ways

Much to Update About

I haven't been very good at recording much (if any) of Zoe's latest antics and Evan's developmental milestones. I don't feel so bad about the former, though I'm sure I'd regret it later. I do feel bad about not documenting more of Evan however. I'm sure I'd look back later and wish I know how heavy Evan was at four months old and bemoan that we have so much more of this and that about Zoe. We have fallen - as predicted - into the classic second child syndrome. There is less time to obsess over little details, less time to think and ponder parenthood and so on and so forth.

All that said, I am very pleased to report two very important milestones in our lives. I'll start with Evan. He uttered his first recognizable word yesterday. The three of us were on our bed. Dennis had brought Evan in for me to feed and after placing him next to me, Dennis lied down next to Evan and promptly fell asleep. Evan fed a little, turned his entire body towards Dennis. He cooed and made a few sounds. His hands reached out and touched Dennis' shoulders, clearly trying to wake him. Then, he made some sounds followed by a very loud and clear "PA!"

The other huge milestone is that Zoe has gone successfully on her potty for the last two days (7 times for pee and once for poo). It's a huge, huge step and I am still amazed we have finally made the leap. For a while, I thought we are never going to get there (or at least not till Zoe is six or something). Zoe was so resistant and I wasn't sure how much to push her since all the books said to back off when the child resists. Let's just say that I was practically a "Tiger Mom" last Saturday over this. While I was snarling and roaring, insisting that she "sits on the potty till pee pee comes out," I was wrecked by worry and fear. I was terribly worried that I was doing Zoe great wrong by insisting, part of me worried that she was just lazy and wanted to stay infantile by having me change her all the time, part of me worried that she would feel bad when other kids or parents ask her about her lateness in potty training. The part that kept me insisting this time was because I was sure that once Zoe figured out that she can do it, she would do it, that it was fear of failure that kept her from potty training. I'm not sure if my theories are accurate, and how much the proffered punishment of "no desserts till potty trained," and reward of "a trip to Disneyland" helped. No matter. So far, right now, we are officially in Day 2. And we are all proud we are here!! Zoe was so jubilant! That alone made me happy.

Tempests

(This post was written on Oct 19, 2010, I forgot to post it till now).

Zoe is in a power struggle with me over potty training and I am losing. I realized this evening that she is resistant to potty training. This resistance might have started because we started too early (she was not ready and thus saw it as something she cannot easily accomplish), or pressured her too much, or the incentive method (with offerings of chocolate and jelly beans) we used was in fact detrimental to one of her temperament. Whatever. The fact of the matter now is that she is physiologically ready (she knows when her bm is coming and can control herself till she has "privacy" to deposit it into her diaper), she knows what she is supposed to do, but she refuse to do it. This afternoon, she pooped into her underwear.  I asked her why she didn't go use the potty and her reply was a petulant "because I don't want to." I was so frustrated by her answer I started to weep. Part of me suspect that she did it just so that I would give up and put her back into diapers. Frustration turned into anger later when she clearly had to pee but held it in even though she was sitting on the potty. Compounding my own frustration is my inability to just let it go. I made her sit on it a bit too long and then was immediately racked with guilt over the pressure I exerted on her. Naturally, I had to give in in the end (more frustration). I put Zoe back into her pull-up diapers. I think I spent a good hour crying over it in the end.

Zoe knew she was in the dog house with me. First she pretended nothing was wrong. Then, later, after spending a good time staying away from me, she came to me. after I told her that I was very sad and disappointed that she wouldn't try, and that since she does not want to use her potties, I would like to give them away to some child who wants to be potty trained but whose parents can't afford such nice potties (we bought three different ones in hope that one would spark some interest), and that she can keep her diapers, she said she does not want her potties given away.

I'm really not sure what to do. I think I have to retreat, and I know that all children learn to potty at some point, I just hope Zoe doesn't take too much longer. I don't know what to do.