Wine Note - Chapel Hill Shiraz McClaren Vale 2005

I picked this up at Costco last week and Dennis and I opened it to accompany the Biyaldi I made on Sunday. The funny thing about this wine is that both Dennis and I did not love it at first. It had lovely fruit, but both of us thought that it was a little sharp. Well, I guess what it needed was some air, for it actually tasted really good the next day. The sharpness receded and was replaced by smooth, luscious fruit (black berry-ish). Dennis liked it enough to want to hurry back to Costco to buy a few more for stocking up. I paid $10.99 for the bottle at Costco, but I read that some places are selling it at $16.99 and $19.99.

(Incidentally, Dennis said that he doesn't usually react to the phrase Chapel Hill favorably. I am happy to report that this is Chapel Hill, Australia and not the Chapel Hill where UNC is situated).

Happy!!

Magical Encounters

A deer came to visit this afternoon! I don't know how she got in, but she wandered around the garden a little and finally settled right outside Zoe's window. She was there for a long while and was even staring in. I like to think that she is a friend of Zoe from her last life and is here to check on her. I left them alone for a little too, so that they could have some private time together. The last time I saw her, before she went away, she was practically against the window staring in. I wish this deer peace and safety from harm and that she finds a warm home tonight.

Sweet Sixteen

I'm very happy and excited that Zoe has reached the happy age of 16 weeks. Sixteen has a happy ring to it. Sweet sixteen. I'm also looking forward to this promised golden age.

According to "What to Expect the First Year," Zoe is "entering what might be considered the golden age of babyhood - a period of several enchanted months when good humor reigns during the day, more sleep is happening at night, and independent mobility has yet to be achieved (which means your baby will continue to stay pretty much where you put him or her, limiting mischief and mayhem...)...Sociable and interested, eager to strike up a cooing conversation, to watch the world go by, and to charm anyone within a ten-foot radius, babies this age are an undeniable delight to be around." So, you see, I expect to be all smiles like baby this month (not that we haven't been). However, the author mentioned, almost as a warning, "enjoy this while it lasts."

I suppose so! Soon, I shan't be able to sneak time at the internet while she lays kicking air on the play mat. I'd have to be Argus-eyed during her play time.

Motherhood

My thinking about motherhood evolved over the years. When I was in my late teens, I blithely declared that I wanted a brood of three or four children. I think I came to that number because I have two other siblings and we were a happy bunch together (even though we had lots and lots of squabbles). I did not consider just how much four children would cost and I had no concept how hard raising four children would be. When I was in my twenties, getting married and having children was something I really wanted. I wanted to love a child and I believed having a child is the only way to accomplish two seemingly contradictory things at the same time: grow up and experience childhood again. The former because once one becomes a father or a mother, one takes upon oneself an awesome responsibility that requires sacrifice, patience and selfless love. Life becomes something other than activity to please oneself only. That is the growing up part. The latter happens because I expect that when my child asks me why the sky is blue, as all children inevitably ask, I too will ponder again why the sky is blue and remember that once upon a time, the sky was new to me and that I did not take for granted that the sky is blue (why not pink? why is it a boy color?).

In my imagination, I would be the kind of mother who gets down on all fours to show my little one the miracle of an ant. I would show her the wonders of this world. I think I had a very romantic - and almost fantastic - idea of parenting and motherhood. It was not baseless fantasy. I met great kids during my travels in Nepal and Kenya. Emily, Christopher and Nicholas were a pleasure to be with - enthusiastic and thoughtful about what they were seeing, polite and considerate to others - and they inspired joy and hope. They shaped my imagination.

Then, in my early thirties, I started to rethink my wish for children. I think I started to think that it is a selfish act to bring another child to life just because I want to experience motherhood. After all, life, though sweet and triumphant at moments, involves lots of pain too (A very Buddhist concept: Life, Age, Illness and Death. Each stage involves suffering). Then, I was doubtful of my ability to provide for my child as well as my parents provided me (I assumed I would end up marrying a man who earns a middle-income). It is not just about material things and holidays and college, it is about a somewhat worry-free existence. In my imagination, I wanted these things for my child/children and I felt that if I can't provide, I shan't have any. I told my mom about this and she had only two things to say: 1. "if your father and I thought like you, we would never have had any children. You just have children and then you make the money." 2. "You have the cart before the horse. Why think of children when you have no husband?" (for the record, my mom never hurried any of us to get married or have children).

Then, I met Dennis. Not that the doubts have melted away, but the wish to have a child with him won over. Partly because a child is a continuation of our love, but mostly because I wish for Dennis to have in his old age the joy of the friendship and love he would share with our child, the pride of knowing he - us - raised such a fine person. I'm assuming that our child would come home, be our friend, and would become a loving, wonderful citizen.

So here we are. Like it or not, whatever my thinking about motherhood and parenthood, we have a little one. A very fine little one. I only hope we know how to raise her so that she will be equip to be happy and that she will be happy.

Finally, since Zoe came into our lives, I feel such tenderness towards babies and children. I - and Dennis too - wish so much that no child in this world would ever feel hurt or pain or deprivation. And so now I understand why some people adopt, and why it is something I would consider doing if I have the resources. Not so much because I want to enjoy motherhood, but because I want to protect a child from feeling uwanted and unloved.

Highchair Adventures

I thought I would let Zoe have another go in her highchair this morning. What a difference a few weeks make. Whereas she was too small for it then and slumped unhappily over not a few minutes after, she sat upright and, after a few minutes of doubt at her new vantage point, looked rather alert and spry. The chair has wheels and I rolled her along to see her reaction - she looked thoughtful - then I rolled her into the kitchen. The entire exercise must have been very mentally taxing for some minutes later, she showed signs of fatigue and I put her into her crib for her second morning nap.

Busy Busy Weekend

Another weekend has come and gone. We didn't do much this weekend. Dennis worked most of it, and for the most part, baby and I stayed home too. We had a somewhat stormy start on Saturday as both of us were really bored with the breakfast options we had at home and really wanted to go out but had to stay in because of work deadline. We should just have gone out then for a walk or for a proper breakfast for, as it turns out, we were all so miserable by noon that we went out and splurged on a nice lunch in La Jolla anyway.

The highlight of the weekend was our little outing to the Four Seasons at Carlsbad for Dennis's company dinner. It was a nice break for Dennis and I. We had a lovely time, I had my Cosmo, and Zoe gave baby sitters Dave and Emily an easy time - she slept through it all. :)

On Sunday, our good friends Keith and Teodora and their daughter came over for breakfast. We served Dennis' tried and true scrambled eggs (always soft and fluffy) and tried out another pancake recipe. This time, the recipe came from the Best Recipe Book. It turned out well - light and fluffy, though I don't think it is significantly better or different from the recipe from the Joy of Cooking. It is Dennis' second time making pancakes from scratch and I don't think he will be going back to the box anytime soon. The rest of the day disappeared into work - for Dennis - and errands and cooking for me. Baby? Well, she did what she always does. She ate, she slept, she made us change her diapers and she made us laugh.

Early morning posting

It is now just a little past four in the morning. I just finished feeding baby (I missed the midnight feeding again. Slept right past the alarm!) Soon Dennis will be up to get ready for work. He has a conference call at six this morning and plans to leave home at five. I'll be off to sleep soon - I'm waiting for the ginseng water I'm making for Dennis to steep. Baby and I had a pretty good day yesterday. I managed to get a few errands done - collecting my new glasses from Costco, dropped into the bank - had lunch with Dennis, spent a few hours with my good friend, "candy sister" Janice. I even managed to feed baby comfortably and successfully while out. The new camp chair we bought at REI last weekend is enabling me to be out more often. The problem with feeding out is that I was seldom able to get comfortable. The chairs/seats were either too bigh or too low for proper support. The new camp chair is just the right height for both my feet to be firmly planted on the ground and for my knees to be at the right angle to support baby. This means freedom! Freed from having to be home every three hours. Anyhow, Baby was very active and happy yesterday too. She is a very good baby.

Yet Another Tummy Time

Multiple Rollovers

This morning, Zoe performed a number of rollovers. I think she is realizing the mechanics of rolling over for I see her thinking and trying to execute it again and again. I think I was more surprised than she was! This is a video of the first of her morning rollovers.

What does it feel like?

Dennis asked me what it is like to have another creature - Zoe - subsist on me, on the milk produce by me. I never gave it much thought until now. I think the feelings and emotions that stand out most are polar opposites to one another - deep satisfaction and deep frustration. Satisfaction when she feeds well. Frustration when she doesn't feed well - or I should say when I perceive it to be unwell. There is also feelings of tenderness and love. That said, I often do what I shouldn't do: Instead of cooing to her or focusing all my attention on her as I should, I read the internet when baby is feeding.

Anyhow, I was reassured today about Zoe's feeding after a visit to the Women's Health Center. As it turns out, Zoe can actually get about 2 oz of milk in about three minutes of feed. (I did a before and after feed weigh). This is a reminder that I should listen to my daughter about her needs. When she pushes me away, even if she has only been on the breast for as little as three minutes, I should just accept it and not fret if she's had enough.

Incidentally, Zoe is today 15 weeks. She weighs 12 lbs 13.1 oz today.

Newsflash! Baby Rolled Over!

Oh, alright, she might not have intended it, but she did it. Not once, but twice! She seemed quite thrilled by it the first time she did it, as in "Wow, what was that? I did that?" Naturally, I was beyond myself with excitement. My wonderbaby!

Playtime (Second Video)

Playtime

Hi Daddy!

This one is for Dennis!

100 Days

According to Korean traditions, the 100th day of a child's life is a significant milestone. I found a description of the significance of the day on a website. It says:

"In Korea, on the 100th day after a child's birth, a small feast is prepared to celebrate the child's having survived this difficult period. If the child is sick at this time, the family passes the day with neither announcement nor party, for to do otherwise is considered bad luck for the infant.

At this time the samshin halmoni is honored with offerings of rice and soup in gratitude for having cared for the infant and the mother, and for having helped them live through a difficult period. The family, relatives and friends then celebrate with rice cakes, wine, and other delicacies such as red and black bean cakes sweetened with sugar or honey.

To prevent potential harm to the child and to bring him or her good luck and happiness, red bean cakes are customarily placed at the four compass points within the house. If the steamed rice cakes are shared with 100 people, it is believed that the child will have a long life. Therefore, rice cakes are usually sent to as many people as possible to help celebrate the happiness of the occasion. Those who receive rice cakes return the vessels with skeins of thread, expressing the hope of longevity, and rice and money, symbolizing future wealth.

Such customs are also part of the tol, or first birthday, celebration. Because of the high infant mortality rates in the past, this celebration is considered to be even more important. Like the 100th day celebration, it begins with offerings of rice and soup to the samshin halmoni. However, the highlight of this celebration is when the child symbolically foretells his or her own future.

For this ritual, the child is dressed in new traditional Korean clothes. A male child wears the traditional hood worn by unmarried youths, and the female wears make-up. The child is seated before a table of various foods and objects such as thread, books, notebooks, brushes, ink and money which have all been given to the family by friends and relatives. The child is urged to pick up an object from the table, as it is believed the one selected first will foretell the child's future. If the child picks up a writing brush or book, for example, he is destined to be a scholar. If he picks up money or rice, he will be wealthy; cakes or other food, a government official; a sword or bow, a military commander. If the child picks up the thread, it is believed he will live a long life.

This is followed by feasting, singing and playing with the toddler. Most often guests will present gifts of money, clothes, or gold rings to the parents for the child at this time. Upon departure, guests are given packages of rice cakes and other foods to take with them. This sharing of rice cakes is thought to bring the child long life and happiness."

I wish I researched this earlier. I am all for making and distributing rice cakes. I guess I just have to do it for Zoe's first birthday. Incidentally, I heard that Zoe's Halmoni dedicated an afternoon to making rice cakes to celebrate Zoe's 100th day. Thanks, Grandma! (Even if it did not turn out to your satisfaction!)

Zoe - Fourteen Weeks

This picture was actually taken a week or two ago. I am posting it here because I don't have many pictures with Zoe and few of them pleases me - i.e. I don't think I look good in them. Anyhow, this picture was taken early in the morning, during breakfast. It is fairly representative of how we begin our day:

5 am or so: Wake up to the sound of baby sucking her thumb over the baby monitor. Either Dennis or I collect her, change her diaper, and then feed her.

6 am or so: Baby is fed. Dennis or I have breakfast. Zoe joins us, if she is up for it, in the kitchen. We play with her or talk to her while having breakfast - usually croissant, toast or porridge with coffee for Dennis and espresso for me. Else, we put her back into her crib to continue her sleep.

7 am: Dennis leaves for work. If baby is still sleeping, I check email and then take a quick shower.

8:30 am: Baby wakes up. I change and feed her. When that is done, usually about 20 minutes later, depending on how quickly she eats and if I need to sit her up after five minutes, Zoe gets to play on her play mat or sit in her bouncer.

Sometime between 9: 30 and 10 am: Baby looks tired and I put her into her crib again for yet another nap. The day repeats itself in these cycles.

Komen Run

As it turns out, we had a busy weekend, what with the "hike" on Saturday and taking Zoe to the Komen Run on Sunday morning. It was quite wonderful. Here in the picture to the right is Karen and Lily.

First "Hike" with Zoe

We took Zoe "hiking" for the first time last Saturday. As we weren't sure how Zoe would take to being in the Bjorn for a long distance and because Dennis had to work, which means we couldn't spend a whole day out frolicking in the wilderness, we went to the newly opened Del Dios Reserve, which is a mere 5 minutes from home. It wasn't a super successful outing - Zoe protested most of the way and I can't say it is my favorite trail. But it's a start. We really hope to get outdoors more often soon.

In any case, we are glad to get a bit of fresh air and exercise.

Pretty Girl

I love these pictures. The lovely bonnet is from Keith and Teodora.

Zoe - Thirteen Weeks

Dennis mentioned yesterday, as he held her close, that Zoe will not get any smaller. Soon, faster than we can imagine, and notwithstanding all my fretting about the speed of her weight gain, she will be much bigger. One day, she will be too big for us to cradle within our arms. The she that she is now is as ephemeral as the morning dew. I suppose that is the reality of everyone of us too. It's just that the changes that occur now are less noticeable, solicits less excitement (well, minus the times when I spot the undeniable signs of aging, like when I discovered white hair).

Anyhow, she is today 13 weeks old, which means we are one quarter of the way into her third month. In terms of her physical development, her weight gain has slowed significantly. In fact, she hasn't gained any at all since two weeks ago (She is today 12.07 pounds). I attribute it to her eating habits - she doesn't seem to want very much at all. I tried very hard to encourage her to eat more, but to no avail. All I did was frustrate the two of us. So, as of yesterday, I decided to be Zen about it. After all, I can't force Zoe to nurse if she doesn't want to. For now, she still has her lovely chubby cheeks and is daily babbling and smiling more, which I take as an indication of good health. In terms of her mental development, she is increasingly aware of her surroundings and is very curious about it. Else, we still haven't nailed down a schedule. Yesterday she napped at 9 am and at 1 pm. Today, except for a very brief spell, she missed her morning nap - but we are making our way there. If not surely, at least slowly.

What we looked like right before Zoe

These two pictures were taken when I was 40 weeks pregnant with Zoe. Looking back, I was BIG!!! No wonder all kinds of strangers (random people I met while grocery shopping or at the bookstore) said I looked like I was about to pop! Am I glad that I have just about 8 pounds of the 40 pounds I gained to lose still. By the way, that's Dennis fooling around there. I wish we took a picture of him every time he took a picture of me during the pregnancy. One more thing, even then, Zoe was already showing her personality: sometimes, when I forget or push my belly too close into the table, she would kick and force me back.

Video of Zoe

Zoe

So, this is Zoe, our little one, for whom I wake up twice a night to feed. Since her arrival, I have cried more, worried more, loved more than I have ever thought capable of in a few short weeks.

I knew I would love her, but I didn't expect the joy I would feel when she smiles, the tenderness I would feel when I hold her. I had no idea I would worry so much too - is her gaining weight? Is she getting all the stimulation she needs? Are we doing enough to let her know just how much she is loved? I had no idea.

One Year Anniversary

Dennis & I celebrated our first year anniversary on Monday (11/19). We celebrated by going out to Nine-Ten for dinner on Sunday. On Monday, the actual day, I cooked us dinner (Garlic Bread, Salad & Linguine with Clam Sauce), which we enjoyed with the remaining bottle of wine we bought in New Zealand (Rippon Vineyard Lake Wanaka Central Otago Osteiner 2006). Over both dinners, we reminisced about the day and days leading up to our wedding one year ago.

It was a very eventful first year, full of adventures and dramatic misadventures. The adventures include our honeymoon in New Zealand, conceiving Zoe (in New Zealand - TMI?), the pregnancy, trips to Grand Canyon and San Francisco, Zoe's birth, becoming parents. The misadventures include Dennis' rather difficult transition away from academia into industry, the flooding of the house and the attendant headache of dealing with insurance, rebuilding and putting up in a hotel for nearly two months. Then, recently, there was the eye surgery to correct a detached retina in my right eye, followed by the fire, which displaced us for nearly a week. Thankfully, it has all ended well. We still have a home to come back to and my eye is recovering (slowly but surely). What a year! The highs were so high and the lows so low. Thankfully, we had one another. I suppose this year is a good start if love and marital longevity is what we are working towards. We remained pretty much chipper in spite of the troubles because we took solace in the fact that we were confronting them together. Then, if the fire taught us anything, it was the impermanence of things material and the importance of our lives, love, friends and family.

So here we are. What was two last year is now three. A family unit of three.

Linguine with Clam Sauce

1 onion, chopped
6 to 8 cloves of garlic, smashed and chopped fine
5 tbs olive oil
4 cans of chopped clams
approximately 2 tbs of butter
2 to 3 tbs of white wine
Sprigs of fresh basil (optional)
Parsley chopped as garnish

Drain clams, reserving the juice. In a large skillet, saute onion and garlic in olive oil. When onion is soft (but not browned), stir in clams, half of the clam juice, butter, wine and basil. Simmer until sauce has reduced by 1/3, about 20 minutes. Serve over linguine.