Time used to travel slower. I remember the time when I was in primary school and willing the class clock to move along faster. But the second hand was stubbornly languid. Minutes seemed an eternity then. Not anymore! It's one month into 2008 already! Zoe turned five months old two days ago, and I spent the last two weeks agonizing over whether to go back to work or not. I suppose it is not a matter of going back to work, but the timing of going back to work. I might still have been toying with the idea were it not that the company I worked at asked if I would go back to work on a part time basis. They need somebody soon, like "can you start next week?" Even though I have been thinking about it, the minute Shelly (my boss, the owner of Spearhall) emailed me about it, the theoretical issues became real fears - what if the caretaker neglects Zoe? Would the care be loving? Would the nanny stimulate her sufficiently? I wrung my hands over the milestones I would miss - her first words, her first steps... I felt pangs of jealousy of the would be caretaker. In short, it is not just about whether Zoe would be ready to accept care, it is whether I am ready to challenge myself and let go.
During this time, I realize what Dennis must go through every day when he leaves for work. Just thinking about leaving Zoe made me all anxious, which is nonsense. Plenty of children and babies are taken care of by people outside of the family.
Anyhow, not sure how this will pan out yet as I agreed to working only 15 hours a week (3 days of five hours) and mentioned too that I would be pumping at work. In short, I might be too much trouble for a small business.
Let's see where this takes us.
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