Walter

Walter was my sister's fiance. Until last weekend, at the probable time of his death, their relationship was 16 years long. Eight years as an engaged couple (he proposed soon after they met) and eight years as a former couple who tried many times to fix the broken pieces. Unfortunately, sometime love is just not enough.

And sometimes too, we don't realize how important a person is in our lives till he is gone. His death - all alone in a Moscow apartment, probably by asthma, undiscovered for days - sent ripples of pain through my family. My mom, who never did completely forgive nor forget the one affair Walter had, the event that ruptured their tempestuous relationship, wept hard for the lost of this adopted and then abandoned son. Wept hard at the loneliness of his death. I wept because he had parents who hurt him more than they loved him, because he died a sad, lonely man. He never did get his second chance at happiness. For that, I grief for him.

The last time conversation I had with him was brief. Walter had called on Grace's birthday to wish her happy birthday. But Grace was not to be reached and I had taken his message. I was brief and perfunctory. Walter asked about how I was and how baby was. I answered they are well, but I did not ask how he was. Not really.

Now I wish I did. I wish I cared enough to show love and concern. I didn't know that I cared. We didn't know that we cared. Now, today, I wonder too late what he had for his last meal. Did he enjoy it? Did he have his shots of espresso that day? Did he smoke a cigarette? Did he have a good laugh that day? Was it sunny in Moscow the day he died? What was on his mind? Was he afraid in the last moments of his life? Grace told me that he told her that he is afraid that he will die alone and that no one would know for days. Was he thinking about that when he went down? I wish somebody was there to alleviate any pain or fear he might have had. I wish there was somebody there to love him dearly and wisely.

Funny thing is I don't even know him all that well. I mean really know and understand and not just about the food he loves (fish ball noodle soup). I guess I never did lend him my ears. I do know that "Tropic Thunder" would have given him the stitches - that's the kind of movie he liked.

The last movie we watched together was "Anchorman." He loved it. We laughed so hard together. That was when we were all in Beijing, back in December 2004. I was visiting and so was he. We congregated in Grace's apartment. That was the second last time I spent any time with him. The last time was back in 2005, when he came to San Diego with Grace. He wanted very much to come to our wedding, but never made it because he was too tied up with the business. I remember that he was very sad that he couldn't make it. I was family to him and he wanted to come. I remember that I did not miss him and that I thought it was good for Grace that he couldn't make it. I felt that - and the family felt that - there was no way Grace can ever have a relationship if the ex is also hovering about. I regret so much now that I did not urge him to come no matter what. I regret now that I never did email him a picture of Zoe even though he always asked about Zoe whenever he called. He even called me after he heard about my eye surgery.

Now that he is gone, we know the measure of the love we have for him. The saddest part of this is that he never knew. He did not have the succor of knowing. But that's because we too did not know till now.