Big Steps

So... not sure if I told anyone about this, but I've been thinking about going back to work. It was a lot more idle thinking than action for the longest time. But because Zoe is approaching the age where she would benefit from the socialization afforded by either a day care or preschool environment (i.e. she has reached the stage where spending all day with me is no longer the best possible environment for her), and because I fret that the longer I stay out the more irrelevant my prior experience and atrophied my working muscles would be, I've started spending more time examining the work I would like to do, the companies who are hiring, and the companies I would love to work for.

To make a long story short. I identified a company I think I would love to work for. I was admiring it from afar when lo and behold, they have an opening. It is an unpaid temporary position (pooey), but if I get to learn something (and I think there will be a lot to learn) and perhaps even make a great enough impression to be thought of first the next time they have a paid opening, why not? Dennis and I discussed it and we think we can manage the extra expense of child care for now. (So wonderful to have such a supportive husband). So I applied. Most incredibly, they called me back. For an interview.

Anyhow, as happy as I was about it, I saw that I would have to find Zoe a preschool or childcare center in short order. This time, I was not in too much of a panic about it as I already interviewed and visited a place I thought would be alright if it came down to it. But because I was not confident that that is the optimal place for Zoe in terms of the kind of stimulation she would get, plus I didn't like the 1 adult to 6 little toddlers ratio of the home (what if there is a fire? how would she get everyone out?), I spent Thursday night calling all the places I can find online and then planned to visit as many as I could on Friday.

I'll make the story short. I found the place where I can leave Zoe at and be confident that she would be well taken care of and be happy in. Many aspects of it won me over, beginning with the fact that it is Chinese run. They speak mainly Chinese to the children and so it would help Zoe learn Chinese. Then, even though it is situated in a house, it feels like a cozy little school. The owner dedicated the entire ground floor of the house to the children. The living room is the school room. The family living room is the play room. And there's lots of backyard space for the kids to play in. The walls are decorated with learning charts and posters. There's even an upright piano for the music time. The adult to toddler/preschooler ratio is about 1 to 3 (Aside fron the owner, there is an assistant, as well as the owner's mother and mother-in-law). She is licensed to take 12, but she has 9 at the moment. I also liked that the meals are prepared by the grandma and that whatever she was cooking smelled delicious when I was there. The vibe is right. I think happy is the word.

Most importantly, Zoe seemed to have liked the kids who were there too. Unlike the other places that I visited, Zoe responded to the kids at this place. I think Zoe liked especially that there is a cat and dog on the premise too. (Funny how things work. Normally, pets would be a negative to me because of possible allergens concern. But Zoe was so thrilled to see the cat, I forgave it almost immediately). It was so charming when all the kids ran to say hi to the little dog locked beyond the fence. By the time Zoe and I left in the afternoon, Zoe was calling this boy by his name (Sebastian) and the referring to the cat's name (Mimi) and saying byebye to "Zhu Zhu Ahyi." (Zhu Zhu is the name of the owner and Ah yi means auntie).

Ah, Zoe is exiting that part of childhood where her whole world is just mama and papa. And I am exiting - well hopefully exiting - that part of my life as a stay-at-home-mom. I pray that the transition would be smooth. We are so lucky to have had the time together. I'm so glad we didn't end up putting Zoe in child care at four or six months of age, that we had this time to bond, to spend together. There will be less and less of that in the future.

Wish List

I have been thinking about the sort of things I would like Zoe to have and making a list. It is not entirely one of my making. I've been observing the sort of toys Zoe gravitate towards in the store and seem to really love. Then, there's the ones we read are important to her developmentally. We won't be getting her the stuff on the list at one time, since we need to be more thrifty than usual. But more importantly, because there are some important lessons in having to wait, having desires that are unfulfilled. Scarcity builds character. Of course, I am telling that to myself too, to restraint my instinct to simply acquire everything that seems to interest Zoe. Zoe just have to wait for her birthdays and Christmases to come around.
List:
- A proper dollhouse (Zoe loves doll houses. She really enjoys the pretend play)
- A tricycle (not sure if she would love it, but she is very interested in seeing other kids ride theirs)
- Woodblocks (http://thevillageblocksmith.com/ because I think it would be cool. Zoe doesn't know this exist yet)
- A doll and pram (She loves the baby dolls at Gepetto's. She cuddles them and pretends to feed and bath them. But this is lower in priority, since I believe that she can easily make Teddy Bear do double duty as baby doll).
- Sand and water table
- Musical instruments like triangle and drums

Walking in La Jolla

Today, I was so exhausted that I laid down on the floor to rest. Zoe came around many times to kiss me right on my lips. It is a moment I wish to store away in my memory bank for eternity, to be conjured up with clarity whenever and wherever.

Odds and Ends

Zoe has a tea party. Full disclosure: she did not arrange the stuffed animals herself.



Zoe takes time to smell the roses. After she takes a sniff...



...she makes sure that Bear enjoys the fragrance too.



I'm so proud of Zoe's emerging Lego skills. This structure was completely conceived, designed, and built by Zoe; no help from Mom and Dad! Considering that Jackie's family is in real estate development, maybe it's in the blood.



There may come a day in the future (most likely during adolescence) when Zoe may bemoan my decision to post this photo, but in my defense, it was so cute I couldn't resist. So without further ado I present to you: Zoe's toilet training.



Finally, a video from Beijing. We took a calculated risk with Zoe every time we hopped into a car -- no child car seats! Zoe didn't seem to mind though. Here, she's amused by Jackie's cousin Derrick, who was making funny faces at her from the back row of the family SUV.

Art

We draw on command for Zoe's pleasure. Here are some commissioned art work by Zoe.

Birthday parties

We attended Caroline 's 2nd birthday celebration last weekend. It was quite a big event, full of kids and parents. Perhaps I will always feel this way at birthday parties from hence on, but I felt a bit older just by looking at these kids grow, many of whom I recognized from last year's party, as they transform from tubby unstable crawlers/toddlers into self assured little girls and boys. Of course, the little ones were unaware of my feelings. They darted this way and that, yelled and squealed, marveled and explored. Our little Zoe was enthralled by all the new and unfamiliar toys. She also enjoyed sitting down at the little children's table. And she gulped down her first sugary juice package (the type sold in soft aluminum packages). Looking at her at the table watching the other kids reminded me that I have to get on with researching preschools for her. It is high time Zoe enters some structured learning/playing/socializing environment.

Really Long Sentence

Zoe said the longest sentence she has ever said last week. I was showing her pictures of the big bear she loved so much in China. She said "Baby want Big Bear!" I explained to her that Big Bear is in China, at Grandma's house. And she responded by saying "Mama carry baby go to grandma's house!"

One, Two!

Time: Today, before bedtime
Place: In the nursery.

Mama walks into the room and sees a pile of books scattered all over the floor. Papa is sprawled out too, obviously spent after reading the numerous books to Zoe.

Mama (in a determined voice): Alright, it's bedtime now.
Zoe (buying time): Mama? Mama read!
(Mama sighs)

Mama: Ok, but just one.
Zoe (pronounces with great emphasis and gestures with her fingers): Two!

Zoe prances off to pick her selection off the shelf. Mama wonders if it was such a good thing to teach Zoe how to count so early on.

China

We returned from China on Friday, having thoroughly enjoyed two weeks of spectacular sights, delicious food, and the lovely and loving company of family. Overall, Zoe did pretty well on this trip; by now she was familiar with airplanes (indeed, whenever she sees or hears a plane overhead, she points and says the Mandarin word for "plane"), so she was reasonably well behaved on the flight. It helped that we had an extra seat on the flight from Los Angeles to Beijing, so Zoe could stretch out and sleep properly. Unfortunately Jackie and I weren't so lucky, and neither of us slept well. But our spirits were revived upon arriving in Beijing and reuniting with Mom, Dad, Ben, and Jackie's cousin Derrick.

For most of the first week, we were all understandably jetlagged -- I think I was hit particularly hard, and I felt like I was in a fog during the day. Zoe's routines were disrupted too, but we did our best to reset her with regular meals and naps, and she eventually settled down. In the meantime, we had a fairly free-form agenda, consisting of seeing the sights, dining at nice restaurants around the city, and taking naps when we couldn't go on any further. Fortunately, we had drivers to take us where we wanted to go, a maid to prepare meals for Zoe, and masseuses to make the aches and pains go away at the end of the day.

I won't go into a blow-by-blow account of all the things we saw and did, but I'll share the highlights. Of course, we visited the Great Wall (we chose the section of the wall at Simatai, in order to avoid crowds), the Forbidden City, the Summer Palace, and the Lama Temple. We met friends for meals and drinks, and got to see the "new" Beijing that has resulted from the fast-paced development of recent years (and that accelerated, obviously, with the Olympics). Whether seeing the old or new, I was impressed and a little overwhelmed by Beijing -- its size, pace, and energy.

One of the highlights of our stay was a side trip that we took to the ancient capital of Xi'an, about a 90-minute flight to the southwest from Beijing. We were joined by Jackie's brother Ben and his girlfriend Anna, and they were fine travelling companions indeed. In Xi'an we saw the famed Terra-Cotta Warriors, and explored the old Muslim Quarter of the city. Best of all, Ben took some amazing photos of our activities, which I've posted here.

Happy Mother's Day

I think Zoe is weaned. About two weeks ago, she stopped asking for me before bedtime. Then, a few days ago, she decreased the time she spent nursing in the morning. Finally, over the weekend, she didn't even ask for me in the morning. Perhaps as a gift to me, as an easy way to remember, the last time was on Mother's Day. I am so happy, proud and yet not without a tinge of sadness that our nursing days are over. This is the first step amongst the many she will take towards independence and self sufficiency. I am just so glad that she did it on her terms, without any hurried pushing from me. And I am glad that I was able to oblige her and that we shared this special period of intimacy.

A Place of Our Own

"A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life... Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home." - A Nepalese good luck mantra.

Dennis and I have been looking to buy a place. And yesterday, we signed the papers to put a bid in for a house diagonally across the street from us now, only to decide last minute against submitting it. Dennis and I both developed cold feet because it is at the higher end of what we can afford, which means we would have to live with a lot of the cosmetic flaws of the house for a while. More importantly, it doesn't call out to Dennis. It is a nice house with, in my opinion, good bones, good location and phenomenal views - the south facing part of the house has a view of Lake Hodges and Bernardo Mountain. I really liked the lovely breeze that wafts into the south side of the house. I can imagine it being a fantastic house after a fresh coat of paint, a change of flooring, and an update to the kitchen. But in the end, it is yet another false start.

I am disappointed. But even in my moments of despair and frustration, the voice of reason says this is after all a search for our nest and it should unite us in excitement and hope rather than render us apart.

Funny thing is, this endeavor was at first guided only by the barest of parameters - at least 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, "nice and bright," and no more driving time to work than what Dennis has to do currently, within budget (obviously). And obviously, it has become clear to us, after tromping through more properties than we can place, all of which fit the simple rules we set out but none of which called out to us in a way that made us say (in unison) "ah, this is it, this is home," that what we want is a lot more than just the right square footage, rooms, affordability and proximity.

But what do we want? The place I want will not only be a shelter for our physical selves, but for our dreams and ambitions too. It will be the mise en scene of our daily lives and it should reflect our values, our personalities, the lifestyle we live and desire (and this begs yet the question of what is the lifestyle that we want?). It should be comfortable, appealing, not too big but sufficient for our needs. If I were to put adjectives to it, I would say warm, clean and clean lines, bright, cheerful with charming details. Soulful. Nothing overly generic. There should be a garden. This ideal home we envision would have 3 bedrooms, a great room which sits the kitchen, living room and dinning room, all of which are minimally separated by walls. There would be a library or quiet space. But this space shouldn't be too big. We don't want space that will only draw us apart; rather, though we don't want to cram, we want a space where we can daily practice the act of accommodating one another's need for quiet reflection or rowdy union at the end of the day. This means, concretely, no less than 1900 square feet and no more than 2400 square feet. Actually, there is already a house that encapsulates all that, but we would have to build it from scratch. see http://www.mkd-arc.com/homes/breezehouse/

There was a "this is it, I would be home" moment during our hunt. But it was with a piece of land eighth-tenth of an acre large on a hill with expansive views of a golf course, a vineyard, and the mountains beyond San Pasqual Valley. I loved it the moment I saw it. There, Zoe would have days watching clouds on high, chasing bunnies and hearing birds chirp. Together, we can watch the egrets take off from their perch (there was one on the property when I first came upon it). And its location, just down the road from where we are now, couldn't be more perfect. Sadly, this love proved to be short-lived. The property was bought even before we can say "bid." I suppose the impossibly low price - a bank owned, foreclosed property - was indeed too good to be true and someone knew to snatch at it. As disappointing an episode as that was, it whetted our appetite and imagination, as well as made clear to us that, even though we keep saying to ourselves that no one buys the perfect first home, or that the first home is usually just a stepping stone, we pretty much want the ideal right now.

But perhaps there is no ideal. It dawned on me the other day that this entire enterprise is not unlike the dating scene. We were out there like a 20 something seeking love: we kept going out on dates, and we go out there with a supremely open mind. Thus, minus the obviously wrong or out of reach, we flirt with all types, even the ones that need major renovation. We believed that if we see enough houses, we will finally meet the one and all will somehow fall into place.

I hope so.